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bonlynne
What a hell of a week! My heart got crushed! I did end up doing what my heart told me to do. I wrote a love letter 'n included the beautiful music I wrote with it! I even went right to the person instead of going through my husband, cuz I'm not a coward! Ya got a problem with someone or think they did something, then ya go straight to that person, not behind their back 'n try to assassinate their character to their husband! He just said thanks for thinking of us, but your the one that's all fucked up! And no, he wasn't concerned about my feelings! B/c I'm not worthy to have feelings.
I think I was even close to a stroke! After Jame told me that it started on the trip cuz I apparently saw his wife 'n turned the other way. So I was struggling to figure out what she could've mistaken that moment as. Maybe it was when Auntie Flow surprised me 'n I had to go on a day trip 'n I had to go buy supplies 'n then use the bathroom 'n I didn't want to be late. Or maybe it was the time I had to run back to the room twice to get the right change for sandals. Maybe it was that time I was late for the spa 'n had to turn around 'n get the forgotten coupons. Oh, 'n let's talk about those coupons 'n what we had to do for those. They took us to a hotel where you were always being hounded for time shares! So MAYBE, I saw the sales guy Alejandro 'n was trying to running away from him cuz he kept finding me 'n asking if we talked to the boss.
Whenever I saw his wife I smiled. When we were sitting at the bar upstairs 'n ran into her 'n her daughter I was friendly 'n small talked. Did I want to hang out with her? No. She's always complaining, whining, 'n way too controlling. That moment at the restaurant when I was talking to the host, she comes in 'n takes over. I just don't want to be around that kind of energy! So what? The last night we were there she was standing there waiting for an umbrella. I gave a nice smile 'n went on my way. Damn, my head hurts!
And when Mr Springsteen sings a song about the fact that women let you in sexually, but not into the secret garden. I actually thought someone needed to be let into the garden. The only thing I ever did wrong was love. A secret that will die inside 'n be buried with this physical body. What a fool am I!?! It was just a game!
Jame hasn't said too much, but I feel like this shitstorm of destructive energy made a few changes.
My head will recover. My heart will eventually recover. But never again will I be such a fucking idiot! So maybe that's why most women just use sex for favours or to get what they want. Cuz when you show them true love they just rip it apart 'n destroy it!
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And the most important thing to re-member: I was born the day the sun was born!
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"And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye!"
Antoine

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Happy Celtic New Year! Celebrated on the beach. Just sat there watching the stars 'n talking about life! Only saw one shooting star, but that was enough to celebrate!
So it's been a week since stepping off the "magic carpet"! Magic carpet!?! It occurred to me the other day when I saw a clip from Aladdin that when I was in high school, I wanted to be that girl that stood on the balcony 'n a magic carpet came to take me to see some other part of this world! So, I guess dreams do come true! I was a little nervous about it. To be honest, I'm glad I planned two day trips with Lise. There was someone who was making the trip about something else. I only had one run in with her, but asked the staff to please sit us down, so I didn't have to feel the energy she was giving off! Everyone at work now believes the perfect family, the perfect life, the perfect... and so nice... Everybody's always looking at the outside. But the negative message was only meant for one, 'n yeah, I got it loud 'n clear. I did try 'n join the group at one point, but certain someone's moved away immediately 'n didn't talk. I finally left cuz I felt like a loser! A pariah! That's what James came up with cuz he sees it too. The one day he thought he was having lunch with the boss, but then it turned into sexual anatomy when the wife came over. Too much unnecessary drama! And so while James really, really enjoyed his quiet time 'n WiFi in the room, I would take my music 'n walk the sand while the waves came in 'n out over my feet! Aside from human psychology, it was still magical! Loved the morning walks when there was barely anyone there! The rainbows! The birds!
Made some new friends in the Dominican! Learned some more Spanish!
New experience: getting pulled under the water 'n feeling like you were in a blender was both terrifying 'n awesome!
More new experiences: swimming/snorkeling with three sharks. They were nurse sharks, 'n supposed to be docile, but I was FREAKING out!!! I didn't want them to smell fear, so I looked at the fishes to change my aura! And then we got to pet it! While I was trying to get my feet back away from it; Lise was smiling away cuz she was in love with it! :) Snorkelling would've been so totally awesome at the resort if the waves had calmed down, but they never did! I could've snorkelled all day 'n watched the fish!!! :)
The bestest, ever experience of all: meeting two dolphins that we got to interact with! It was the next best thing to swimming with a dolphin in the wild! We got pulled 'n pushed through the water! So powerful! It was a dream come true!
The next dream to come true was ziplining! I'm so glad I did that in the country of the Dominican! I was flying through the trees 'n getting touched by their branches! The hills on either side! I wanted to stay there 'n just sit in one of the trees for a while! Preferably an avocado tree so I didn't get hungry! :) The drive was like an hour an a half from the resort into the mountains, so we got to see everything as we drove by. A lot of construction goin on. We found the reason why we kept smelling burnt plastic at the resort, cuz they just burn it by the building that's goin' up! :( And the houses are our sheds. So little they own. When we got into the country, there was cows, sheep, chickens. And they were all free range, grass fed! I wanted the bus to break down so I could make cocoa pancakes for breakfast 'n have a steak for supper! :) Got to eat a cocoa bean from a ripe fruit! When I asked at the resort if the food was local, the guy laughed for almost ten minutes. So no then! So it has to come all the way from? I don't get peeps anymore!
It was an incredible week! I learned A LOT concerning the soul 'n hearts of "men"!

My amigos did an amazing job! Bran was miserable the last few days 'n very difficult. The girls were happy to see us! Bran, well, it didn't really matter. I wish he wasn't so disconnected!

I also went 'n quit the Centre. I wrote an apologetic email to all involved for overstepping cuz I wanted the place to be a success. I didn't get into the fact that I wasn't impressed with one person making the decision to hold back something I felt I worked really hard for 'n deserved. They can think I'm the bad guy, I don't care anymore! In certain situations, there is only room for "one", 'n I'll be the first to back off. My life is not about any of that. It's about the soul 'n hearts of man. If your not on board, or if you spend so much energy destroying just that, cuz you can only see yourself 'n what you want 'n have to have; then I am the pariah in your world! Do the fake smile, but I'll respond to the aura.

Am I disappointed!?! Just in the fact that the word "individuality" has the wrong meaning. And that no one's interested in the true power 'n magic of true love! But, to each his own.... Everyone is master of their fate, 'n reality.

Nos vemos! :)
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One more sleep!
And we are so sleeping 'n probably snoring on the plane! Friday James came home 'n started goin on again about two female workers that actually try not to work 'n he wanted to get things done! I know how the boss wants to get done before we leave too. Makes it easier to relax for a week, coz it'll be there when we get back; so I opened my mouth 'n offered my help! Hate it when that happens! LOL! :) It was laying some nice thick brick down for a driveway! It wasn't that bad. I actually liked working with Lise 'n Carla! They're both good workers so it makes everything go smooth! James was having a hard time keeping up with us! I would have a hard time working with someone who didn't move fast enough! I have a hard time sitting still! I hope Lise doesn't get any ideas! She's already panicking about doing all the work this winter again! But let's not think about that till we come back! I was gonna offer my help Wednesday a.m. if when we come back they need help catching up with leaves, but the boss wasn't approachable. He does this thing when you feel like you can't talk to him. Like you did something wrong. I'm standing there for the possibility of some spending money but I'm also standing there out of love! Cuz I care! I think James just wanted me to get a bit of spending money, cuz I'm doin the day trip thing 'n now I really want to pay someone with strong hands to give me a massage! :) I keep asking him if he wants to do anything, but he said last year was his year 'n this is my year this year! I'm so excited to spend so much time on myself! ;)
Lise told me I need to drink beer before bed if I want a good night's sleep! What a rebel! :) And so, at some point I will find the liquor store today so I can find something that'll help us both sleep tonight, cuz we need a good night tonight. Tomorrow doesn't hold much sleep!
I'm so excited! :)
Store are almost open so I can start packing the van with groceries so my amigos lack nothing while we're gone! I should pick up some pork 'n beans for breakfast if I have to sit by Upper again on the plane! ;) James looked through his fifty pairs of socks 'n couldn't find socks last night, so better pick up a couple new pairs! OMG! :) Almost got things together for the Centre so Dee just has to go up twice 'n clean 'n doesn't have to deal with any renters! Gram's grass can wait till I get back! ......
Eeeeeeeeee! (girlie scream!)
Oh, 'n laughter. Laughter is the best medicine! It's so awesome when your stressed out 'n don't want to work in the cold.... when you don't even really hear what the other is saying but your both laughing, cuz in that laughter, something good, something pure is happening! All that stress. All that worry. Is rolling off of you with that laughter! Strength is the result!
In Love! Cuz the heart 'n soul are all that matters!!! :)
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So it was finally confirmed this morning! I kept asking if he talked to the boss about the letter that said he didn't hand in the idea! He was all proud that day cuz it was a day before the deadline! He's gone above 'n beyond the rules! Working full days in the bloody heat 'n through breaks. When he complained about others missing more days, I had to remind him that he gets extra perks. He's got it good! So does the boss! When he texted the boss, he said he was old 'n forgetful 'n to send in a copy. I told him to text back: In that case, I remember how much you loved the idea!!! ;) Hee hee! But James doesn't have minions or a secretary 'n thus does not have a copy! I asked him what his idea was. He explained that it was about individual energy 'n how certain energies need to be placed where... I asked him why he had to complicate things! Why didn't you just say, If you want the work done in "impossible" times, don't put me with all the girls. Ya know the weaker sex. He likes the fact that material gets picked up 'n job sites get set up 'n cleaned up; but for the real heavy labour, he feels like he's doin' it himself mostly which takes longer! I told him to give the idea of a job board! Just the minor details of where 'n what the job is so they can look at it 'n make suggestions. Two heads are better then one right!? And James is always complaining about not knowing anyways. But he said the boss wouldn't like that cuz then he has to do extra work. Hmmm. Nita can put it up! Oh well. The boss said it was okay so James is qualified 'n I'm goin with!!!!! Eeeeeeeeeeee!!! So 17 more sleeps!? Not sure what day exactly or what time yet! But we know where we're goin! It's hard to tell online, but it seems smaller 'n more open. Which means it's gonna be harder to houdini for me! There is grass though which pleases me greatly so I can do my 4am earthing!!! :) Other then that it's all about time standing still 'n I'm whole for a week! I'm so spread out throughout the entire year 'n for a week I get to just worry bout me. Harder said then done, cuz I like worrying about others! :) Oh 'n this time I'm doin the day trip! James isn't interested. So I'm goin with Lise! So the lack of trees at the resort will be made up in that trip!!! I've always wanted to fly among the canopy of trees! :)
So now I can look into travel insurance cuz boss man wants to see proof! Other then American money, we're all packed!!! :) Yeah, I've been packing for a long time! :) I even have a natural medicine for food poisoning! James eats everything! Now it's about getting goodies in the house for amigos 'n finding a vehicle to sit in driveway so it looks like someone is home cuz it's lookin' like park 'n fly!
I'm so excited! I never imagined my life having these experiences! Totally grateful! :)

Current Music: Miracles by Two Steps from Hell

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Where do you go?
I don't know.
When it's getting too tough.
When your exhausted from giving all ya got; but it's still not good enough.
I had plans to relax this evening but I had to get out of the house. My teenage daughter. And James laughing cuz he just doesn't know what to do with her behaviour. And I'm pretty sure this is what tennis elbow feels like; only I wish it was cuz I was playing tennis, 'n I don't know what's goin on tomorrow cuz there's gonna be so many colours, 'n I've been packing my suitcase for months, 'n I don't want to go down the well. *sigh*
So instead of taking my ungrateful amigos to the library tomorrow morning, I'll drop it all off tonight. And I'll bring the laundry out Sunday morning to give my arm a break! And I don't care if our family pics look like a circus. And Nita was right! You can get last minute travel deals, only I'm looking for two weeks! Right now, I just want to go away! Before I have to go down the well. James asked if I would help him out with an experiment using the well. I looked at him 'n asked if he was asking me cuz he wanted me to go down. Cuz he won't exactly fit. But I told him I wanted to go on vacation first! I needed to go on vacation first! And before I have to endure frostbite 'n shovel the stupid snow drifts. I ordered some snorkelling gear for Jame so he can see the fish 'n... He thinks I'm just gonna shove him out into water, 'n thinks I'm not even gonna be there when he's sinking 'n disappears into the water. Drama, drama, drama! I told him I would find a life jacket for him! Who'm I kidding! Of course I'll take care of him. Who takes care of me? Hell if I know! And now I'm bein' a whiny bitch!
So thank you for music so I can detox some liquid tears when it gets sad, 'n then when it gets uplifting, I can remember how good I have it compared to so many peeps.
And then I'll turn the page 'n start writing a new one!
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No.
Yeah, no.
Nope!
No thanks!
Urrr, no.
No way.
Hell no!

I'm practicing saying no, but it just doesn't feel right. It's cuz my little sis asked if they could do family pics on our property. I told her the trees luv getting their pictures taken 'n agreed. She also said, it was a beautiful place; but I told her I was doin' it all for the honey bees! Then she tells me that a photographer can make it such 'n such date 'n time. I have 30 days to clean up all (ALL) our projects on the go, 'n this is the second busiest time of the year for me. *sigh* There is so much coming out of the garden 'n last year I was a huge failure in the harvesting department that I'm trying to make up this year for the lost!
So far I've done 65 jars. Getting close to my goal. Should've planted more peppers! Oh there's always a should've! :) But I've got so many tomatoes that I've been canning 'em whole cuz at least you can chop 'em up for a stew, or...! The blight seems to have disappeared! This is the first year that I've thrown so much into the soil to make every living thing happy, cuz usually when blight sets in 'n with all this rain... but magically....! :) Cucumbers didn't produce too much. I gave my only magical one away, but they didn't seem into it. I'm a pain in the arse! I tried my first pickles! Can't wait to open those up 'n try 'em! And no polysorbate shite! Beans is still something I'm trying to master cuz it's not acidic enough 'n with canning it's important cuz your heating the good guys 'n leaving the bad guys. Bad guys don't like acidic states! So far the beans do best pickled. I've tried raw pack, but maybe beans is better hot packed 'n then I can use salt. Trial 'n error. When the lid pops, off it goes to the compost. I'm excited that I finally got some oven mitts that are heat proof 'n water proof! When your lifting the jars out of the boiling water after the bath.... was never fun with cotton mitts! And a small chef cart when the counters are all full! Your constantly doing dishes! Even tried canning apples in syrup! Problem: the cinnamon got stuck in the seal in the hot water bath 'n never sealed. Didn't get enough air bubbles out? Only some of them. So we'll have those this weekend. Jame requested icecream. Of course he did.
Finally got our first fermenting crock. A small one to start. Zucchini kraut. It's step one in order to make Zucchini Curry!
Drying, freezing... I'm managing to get 4-6 hours most nights! Waiting for the jars to bath in the wee hours of night. Then it's a cold shower 'n 1:30 in the morning barefoot on the wet grass by the pear tree eating a pear while Annabelle looks up at me waiting for the uneaten part! In my undies! Only the coyotes are watching! I need a place with no neighbours! It's just been too hot this year to wear clothes 'n I've gotten used to it! I put my pants on though when I have to go talk to the paving guys next door cuz they're blocking my mail box, 'n James says my shorts are too short. As I turned back one of them asked if I needed an escort. I pretended I didn't hear. What does that even mean? I'm in my work clothes 'n my baseball cap, dirt on my face. So it's probably not a gentlemen thing. Men!
When I only get three hours? Let's just say three hours makes you stupid! I had to go out, but thought I'd quickly get the jalapeño peppers out of the food dehydrator for storage 'n then washed my hands to put my contacts in. Bloody fuckin' hell! I was not talkin' lady like for a few moments in time! My eyes were so red I wore sunglasses the rest of the afternoon! So three hours is bad for you!
School begins. The Centre continues booking up every month. Not slowing down! Saving seeds for next year. I've done good so far. Next spring I don't have to spend so much!
And then it's keeping up with the house work 'n washing... 'n groceries 'n bills... 'n kittens that need to find homes... At least I don't have to go anywhere anymore for washing. I went 'n got a washer that sits on your table 'n you have to put the water in 'n turn it! The first time I tried it the clothes were fluffy so maybe too much agitation! The big blankets I still have to bring away, but saving money is the goal. I'm tired though! :) I haven't taken a single "me" day! I told Nita the other day that I was waiting for November! She said, What if there is no trip? Oh, I said. Then I guess I'm walking down the road with my suitcase cuz I gotta go somewhere where time stands still for whole week! Yes, I've gotten a taste, 'n damn it, I didn't like it; I luved it! I lived it! And the fact that it falls on my favourite holiday! Samhuin! But then Nita was told by the golfin' buddies that they were still looking. I hope he chooses! She'd send us all to Christian camp! No drinking, dancing.... I wonder which guardian I'll meet this time! And we are so getting a full massage this time! That was awesome; but ten minutes didn't do enough for me!
And phew I finally got to get all this here on journal! Tried the other night but James decided to bring me home a latte 'n it reacted with the kimchi I had for supper. Lactose! The "whole package" has been destroyed in milk 'n so the war of bacteria begins. I still don't what exactly happens. Only that pasteurisation destroys the beneficial 'n leaves behind... so my gut reacted with such force I had to leave. It felt like labour pains! Anyone else would've called the hospital, but I knew better! I managed to drive home but as soon as I got home, I crawled out of the van, took my sandals off 'n layed under willow 'n put my feet on the ground. It took about fifteen minutes to start feeling better, but it worked! Thank you willow 'n "mother"! :) I told James to never, ever, ever bring me another cow milk drink! Ever!
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I have a plan for Friday! I want to say something but Jame doesn't want me to say anything cuz he doesn't want a fight to break out. But I can't help myself! I am here to wake 'em up so they connect to their souls via their hearts! So I will not say anything! I will show 'em! I am a revolutionary trouble maker! But then maybe they won't even be there. They've been avoiding me cuz they know I call a spade a spade. Even Nita said they've been avoiding her. That girl throws lots lots of spades! LOL!

All is fair in love 'n war!
If 'n only...
It's about the heart!
L'amour! :)
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Took the morning 'n got a lot cleaned up 'n organized in the garden! It was still warm humid but at least it was cloudy! A cpl tomatoes in another area are showing signs of blossom end rot. Shite! I hope this works out this year!

I'm trying to raw pack a few things cuz we can't keep up with fresh. And the fridge is full of fermented so I can't do much more fermenting. But some of the lids didn't seal so my amigos had to eat some canned beans 'n the chickens got some. It's such a fragile process! If there is a nick on the glass or the snap lids have been exposed to hot water when it should've just been warm, 'n don't tip jar when lifting out 'n then let's talk about headspace.... Yeah!
I canned some quartered peppers! I want to try 'n can some whole tomatoes! But now I need lemon juice! I've got everything ready for salsa! Just waiting for the roma tomatoes!
Not giving up! Never giving up! :)

Kimchi is a huge success! Everyone loves it on their rice with feta cheese! Yes, everyone! Even Jame eats it all up. I think cuz it's spicy!

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